Being frustrated is something that I could barely handle. I do not exactly know what has been happening to me these past few days. But these few days have been very hard for me, I even began to think that 2008 must be a bad year for me. I don’t want to spread gloom all around, it is definitely not like me but I’m just feeling too down that somehow I have to air it out. Actually, I have a good life, we have enough to get us through each day, so I should be contented, right? I know I should but somehow I don’t. I feel as if there is something else missing, something that I could not get my hands into. I believe I am falling apart.
I feel like I am staring into an invincible brick wall and every time I try to surpass it, it just keeps getting higher and higher. I do not want this to go on but I just could not find a way to break that brick wall. My children, I love them so much and I would give up my life for them yet they could not alleviate the pain and the frustration that I am feeling right now. My husband, even him could not give me peace of mind. I just want to be by myself, away from everything familiar. I do not know why and honestly I do not want to know. I am afraid that I might find out something that I do not want to face nor understand. Somehow, it feels like everything that I know, everyone that I love, everything about me does not feel right.
It sounds bad, I know. And I really should stop but I couldn’t. I just feel that I have to do something for me and not because someone that I love wants me to do it or because someone asks me to do it. I have always lived my life trying to please other people and until now I did not realize how frustrating it could be. Friends have told me how gullible I am, how I am always ready to help without thinking if I should or not. As impossible as it might seem to them, I actually know and am aware of that. I am aware that some people are using me and I let them. I know I should stop, but I don’t know how.
It really does not help my self-esteem. I makes me all the more frustrated and it does not help anyone. It is bad I know. I did not know what to do, so I did what I think could give me back some of my self-esteem. I scoured the web for something, anything… And I came up with this wonderful poem, it helped me a lot. If you feel the same way I do, if you are close to falling apart, I hope it will help you too…
Sometimes We Need To Fall Apart
We don’t always have to be strong. Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track. We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to “fall apart” when we need to. We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength. We ARE strong. We have proven that our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to “fall apart.”
— Author Unknown —
